Airport Icks: 19 Passenger Problems You Forgot All About
Nothing like a list of the worst airplane etiquette to get you excited for that long-awaited summer vacation…
It is officially summer ’22. Airport terminals are packed, flights are overbooked, all-inclusive package deals are being enjoyed en masse; we will do whatever it takes to make sure our pallid, sun-starved skin receives a dose of international Vitamin D.
For many of us, it’s been nearly two years since we travelled overseas so it is easy to forget about the unruly reprobates that run rife in airports around the world. Airports are a breeding ground for bad behaviour. Airports are where people with sad little lives go to act up, mistreating underpaid and overworked staff, just so they can feel alive.
In the spirit of celebrating international borders finally reopening, I thought I’d flag the most commonplace culprits, so you can play Passenger Shaming Bingo onboard your upcoming flight.
I present — The Unofficial Guide to Airport Icks
Let’s start at security, shall we?
Ick #1. When they still don’t know the liquid limit
The liquid limit has been around for decades, but there never fails to be someone who somehow is still unaware of the rules, and proceeds to hold everyone up as they plead with security for their full-size Britney Spears Fantasy eau de parfum
Ick #2. When they think its acceptable to plug every device they own into communal outlets
I’m talking iPhone, headphones, laptop, iPad — these people always have iPads — and apparently they were brought to the airport unexpectedly?? Because every single electronic item they own is running low on juice?? Do they not have electricity at home??? Whatever. There’s a special place in hell for the outlet hoggers
Ick #3. When people totally misunderstand the concept of a ‘travelator’
You know exactly who I’m talking about: the people who counter the effect of a moving walkway by standing on it, motionless, slack-jawed in awe of those racing by on foot at 1mph
Ick #4. Passengers with allocated seating who still insist on lining up
These people will, without fail, crowd around the terminal gate so they are, WITHOUT FAIL, the first to board, despite the fact this means sitting on the aircraft for even longer than the predetermined flight time…
Even better (worse) are the people who pay for priority boarding, who in actual fact will just be the first people carted onto an inter-terminal shuttle bus, ending up stuck at the back of said bus, and therefore being the last to get onto the actual plane. Amazing
Ick #5. The people who get well and truly sozzled before boarding
Absolute amateur hour. Before the plane has even taxied the runway, these boozed bozos will have either caused a scene with airline staff, fallen asleep with their seatbelt unfastened, or thrown up on themselves — often resulting in delays. Meanwhile, everyone else looks on in disbelief, wondering why these idiots couldn’t have waited until they got ON the plane to get pissed like the rest of us
Ick #6. When people take photos out of the window before take off
Does your holiday album really need photos of rainy Terminal 3?
Ick #7. When your neighbour insists on watching your TV
This is codependency on a whole new level. It may also be the result of the person next to you not understanding how to turn their TV on…
Ick #8. Passengers who apparently forgot to bring headphones
Socially unaware people unfortunately exist outside of airports too… but FaceTiming the family, watching videos out loud or playing Candy Crush with the sound on is extra specially annoying in a confined space
Ick #9. People who actually purchase things from the in-flight magazine
Can only assume these passengers are suffering from altitude-induced idiocy
Ick #10. When people think the seatbelt sign does not apply to them
These passengers always immediately need to take a dump as soon as the plane leaves the tarmac, it could be a legitimate medical condition?
Ick #11. Passengers who aggressively adjust their seat
Will you just pick a recline setting and deal with it already?? I’m trying to watch Spiderman 8 on the back of your head
Ick #12. Parents who put their kids at the end rather than in the middle
Also known as Involuntary Babysitting. There should be a designated Family Zone for screaming, snot-spewing toddlers and their parents, so childless passengers can tuck into their tray of lukewarm mystery meat in peace
Ick #13. When your neighbour wakes you up…
Speaking of inflight feed… no matter how good dinner (carcinogenic container of microwaved microbes) may look, if your neighbour has miraculously managed to nod off, waking them is a criminal offence punishable by death stare
Ick #14. When you’re in the middle seat but the passengers on either side erect the armrests
SURELY this is uncomfortable and annoying for all involved?
Ick #15. Being in the middle seat, period.
We all know that this is The Most Cuck Passenger Position for anyone to be issued. There are zero advantages to this seat. In fact, special PTSD programs should be available for those subjected to the Middle Seat on long-haul night flights *shudder*
Ick #16. When people fall asleep with their reading light on
Sometimes this can’t be helped but, please know, I will be invading your personal space to lean across your lap to turn it off
Ick #17. When passengers stand up as soon as the seatbelt sign comes on
El classico! These people never learn. They live among us and they continue to procreate, conceiving more impatient offspring who instantly stand up and collect their bags as soon as the plane hits the tarmac. Imagine dating someone, setting off on your first adventure overseas, reaching the destination of your dreams, only to realise that they are… One Of Them
Ick #18. Travellers who get to the front of the line at border control but don’t know where their passport is
It’s not like they didn’t have 45 minutes of queuing to prepare for this exact moment…
Ick #19. BARE FEET
Whether they’re encroaching on your armrest from behind, pacing the aisles of the aircraft or tucked away in a corner of the seat in front; you should never see another living soul’s soles onboard an aircraft.
